The Peevery

What's the Matter, Hank's Wife? Got Yer Monthlies?

Why do the labels on female products say pantiliners? That looks like it is pan-tiliners. What on earth is a pan tiliner? Why don't these companies want to write panty liners? That is much less stupid. What kind of panty waist made this up?

I hope this is the only time I ever feel moved to voice this irritation.

Shelfless

My freezer has no shelves in it. Basically I'm just stacking things on top of things and hoping nothing goes falling out when I open the door. Unfortunately, lately the stacking isn't working so well and the freezer door gets knocked open by the stuff inside, just enough to start to thaw the contents but not enough for me to notice. I've now taped the door to hold it shut. It would be white trashy but I used Hello Kitty tape which somehow makes it better.

The Natural Look

My morning face preparation routine is way too lengthy. I'm applying freaking five layers. Count 'em:  1) moisturizer 2) sunscreen 3) primer 4) tinted something 5) finishing powder. And I don't look much different than when I just woke up.

And by the way, what's with the BB Cream craze? Is that another layer I'll have to start using?

Speedballin'

Like most of the people in the U.S., it seems, I'm an anxious person and I often take anti-anxiety drugs.

These drugs make me tired.

Then I get a super turbo iced coffee so I can wake up and get my work done.

Then I feel anxious again.

This can't be good.

Another Damn Real-Life "Seinfeld" Moment

In April, I decided to go ahead and get a minor elective medical procedure I've been thinking about for years. The earliest consultation I could get was two months from the day I called.

That appointment was today, and it lasted all of five minutes, during which the provider gave me some brochures and told me I would need to make an appointment for another consultation.

The earliest consultation on the consultation I could get is...two months from now.

 

This Is The Pits

I was using one of those deodorant salt crystals and I did not wet it enough. Now I have the world's worst Indian burn on the West Virginia of my body.

Me. Padded Cell. Straightjacket. Countdown.

I am on FIRE with the peeves tonight. And speaking of fire, you know how a fire alarm will haltingly screech every 30 seconds or so when the battery needs to be changed? Well, there is one that's been giving the screech 24-7 for about two weeks. I don't think it's anyone in my building; I think it's the building next door. Is someone deaf? If someone dead? I don't know anyone who lives in any of the units and it's kind of sketchy. I'm honestly afraid to knock on doors or leave notes. I might snap soon. It is slowly driving me insane, like Chinese water torture. If you hear a story on the news about someone in San Diego who went postal on her neighborhood, please hire me a lawyer and tell them to use the "fire alarm screech" defense. 

I shall browbeat myself

Major self-peeve. I (thought I) bought my favorite brow pencil from Clinique. I got it home and discovered that I had accidentally bought their brow liner which is, no exaggeration, one millimeter in diameter. I had already opened it and twisted it so I don't think I can return it. It now takes me several minutes every morning to fill in my brows with my extra thin, teeny-tiny pencil.

He said, she said

Bagger (even though they don't have bags) at CostCo: "Did you want a box for these?"

Me inside my head: "No, that's OK. I'll just let fifteen individual items roll around in my car, jackass."

Me out loud: "Yes, please."

The call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE

I've recently received two invitations to two different showers (one wedding, one baby) and I have about 99 related peeves, but I'll just focus on one. I hate when a shower invite has a phone number to RSVP. I wish it were an email address! In both cases, I don't know the people throwing the shower very well, which makes for an awkward conversation. Plus, I feel like e-mail is less intrusive than calling. It's probably just my social anxiety, but I'm hoping the numbers are both cells so I can text. Does anyone else feel this way or am I unique in my dislike of phone conversations with strangers?

Poopus Interruptus

I hate it when I'm in the bathroom doing my business, maybe this is going to take a little time, and a maintenance worker knocks on the door to come in to fix something in the bathroom. Now I have to hurry up and finish because I know this dude is out there waiting. I would almost prefer if he would just come in and do his job and then leave me in peace. 

No bones about it.

After shopping for a bathing suit (ugh) I remembered a few peeves that I had as a young woman. I was, for a time, aggravated that the string on my bikini top cut into my collarbone.  I'm not sure I even still have collarbones at this point.  Also, I was irked when I could only see my hip bones when I laid down.  Seeing my hip bones now require an x-ray. Silly, silly girl.

Time to Move?

I was reading the NY Post yesterday when I came across this image.

My precinct is circled in red. You see it there? It sits right in between two of the worst gun-troubled precincts in NYC. To top it off, last weekend there was a drive-by shooting a couple of streets down from my house. No one was hurt, but it's more than enough for this suburban smalltown girl to consider a move.

It's Official. I have Misophonia. I think.

A colleague of mine has now reached seven sneezes with in 30 seconds. My level of rage officially hit the maximum, as I just chucked a pen out of my office door. I think it's time to shut my door. He. Won't. Stop. Sniffing. Now. Shoot me, please. 

Things That Make Me Go...PEEVE!

1. Being asked to do a favor, and agreeing to do said favor, and then having my agreement be a surprise because I "have an issue" with said favor. Next time you look this gift horse in the mouth, you'll get kicked.

2. A work email waiting for me this morning, sent to a billion folks, asking if "everyone" was in agreement with a decision I communicated yesterday. It's done. Let it be.

3. Finding out that our front door was left unlocked while I slept, comatose, during the wee hours of the morning.

4. Actually having to interrupt a meeting to say "One at a time, people, please!"

I'm seriously considering ankle liposuction

I hate hate hate my cankles.

97 Reasons to say No

I was considering rejoining eHarmony. I had logged in last week just to look around a bit. Almost instantly after I started getting spam, lots and lots of spam. Doing a little digging I discovered that eHarmony's privacy policy allows my email to be sold to a "trusted network partner."  That trusted network partner has 97 different member ad networks. Of course you only discover this after digging into their privacy policy and you have to opt out, not opt in. It is relatively easy to opt out, but I shouldn't have had to opt out to begin with. So, I've just saved myself a bunch of money.

Here's your sign?

I will never understand why those little delis (I use the term loosely) in office parks and high rise buildings always have handwritten signs.  Do they not have access to a printer?  It can't be that expensive to have something printed out at Kinko's.

My brain doesn't need to be assaulted by pathetic marketing attempts rife with spelling and grammar errors.  If they at least had good handwriting or the text was in a straight line, I'd be more impressed and less inclined to scoff at them.

It's not 1995 anymore, people!  Show me you care about your product.

It's Only Fair

If you expect me to cook you dinner on top of taking care of two small kids after working a nine hour shift then for the one day you are home ALONE all day resting you can do the same for me.

Cappuccino Drinkers Need Not Apply

The sample pack of belVita Breakfast biscuits that I got today says "Enjoy as part of a balanced breakfast, e.g. with a latte and a banana."

(a) These biscuits taste like three day old ass.

(b) When in Yuppie Hell did a latte become an officially recognised part of a balanced breakfast?

I'm a Cold-Hearted Snake, Look Into My Eyes

I've been meaning to take the ads off The Peevery for awhile now. You know what finally prompted me to do it, the ad for Charity Water.

STFU, Pretentious Hipster Twat

Quotes from the very loud girl at the next restaurant table:

"My sister is the complete opposite of me, I mean, she's, like, so close-minded."

"Facebook is a wasteland - I'm so much better than that."

"When I graduated high school, I got so many scholarships."

"The reason I like being on Tumblr is that almost no one else I know is on it."

I wanted to shoot myself.

Peeves of Yore: Old But Not Sour Juice

What's up, Friday? I can't wait to put the rubber to the road and hightail it out of this mofo. I haven't been able to hold my concentration at all today. Whatever. I really couldn't care less. So, I am having a birthday party on Saturday. I haven't had an actual birthday party since I was a wee little girl, so it's about time. Plus, as an adult, you have all the fun perks. Food, booze, music, friends, booze, hangover... Well, the hangover sucks balls, but it's usually worth it. I keep thinking that I'll walk into the restaurant and see our table set for 25 people, and then nobody shows up. It's just me and a boatload of cupcakes. Crossing my fingers that doesn't happen. I think I have friends. Well, they're probably all coming simply because I'm providing cupcakes and premium Russian vodka (actually, my lovely boyfriend is the supplier). Hell, sometimes you've just got to suck it up and "pay" people to attend things, right?

So, what shall we focus on today? Eureka! We are going back in time folks. Back to the very beginning. We are going to reminisce about some of the first Peeves every written. Yippee! Oldies but goodies today!

I'd check back with her, Joann. Maybe this uber-campy, money waster, purchase bragger, chatty Cathy has been boob punched with some karma? Are any of her spawns 16 and pregnant? If so, do tell her all about that MTV show. She could live in the limelight of her kid proudly following in her footsteps.

The funniest part of Peeved Michelle's freaking amazing cover letter is the fact that she is using IM as the best way to commuicate with her. "Hi! IM me..." Ask any 15 year old what IM is, and I'm pretty sure they'll think it is an STD or something. Latah suckah.

There was a moment when Peeved Michelle thought twice about discussing her bowel movements (or lack thereof). Crazy, isn't it? Yeah, well, it only last for one period and a stroke of the space bar. So, pretty much half of a second. Hell, I sure am glad it didn't last any longer than that. Where would we all be if we couldn't discuss our shits? We to lead the way, Peeved Michelle! 

Heather, IT IS STILL A PRIUS. Guzzle, guzzle, gulp, gulp. I don't mind coughing out pollution. I bet Mother Earth even thinks those matchbox mini's are fugly. Just sayin'.

Thanks for the vocabulary lesson, Ian! Five Knuckle Suffle.

Well, I can't dilly dally today, my friends. I've got places to go and people to see. Have yourself a lovely weekend. I'll be letting loose at my birthday party on Saturday. Ugh, Sunday is going to suck ass. Yay!

Well That Worked

After two years I've gotten frustrated enough with all the "Uknown" calls from "Unknown" numbers I went through the trouble to figure out how to make Anonymous Call Rejection work. (On a side note, another reason to love Comcast, I didn't have to DO anything. I just had it automatically).  I followed the instructions and was satisfied that I wouldn't get anymore Anonymous calls. The very next night the phone rings... Yup: "Unknown" "Unknown"

(Yes I could just not pick up when I see it as Unknown, but my phone rings so seldom I presume it must be family or friends calling with important news and jump up to answer it right away.)

The Password Is "Password"

My current least-favorite TV and movie trope is the "guess the villain's computer password" scene. "Sherlock" has used this twice in TWO CONSECUTIVE EPISODES. It is a waste of Benedict Cumberbatch.

Oh, Crap.

On my way to work this morning, I noticed quite a large blob of bird poop on my rear window, so I spent most of my half hour journey squirting windshield washer fluid and wiping it. This only made the situation worse - wiping bird crap all over the arc of the wiper blade. The guy who pulled in behind me at work commented, "That is a serious bird shit you have there. Looks like it came from a dog."

Tell Me Again, I Love It

On Saturday night, Mother's Day Eve if there is such a thing, my husband and I went to a restaurant to celebrate a milestone wedding anniversary. The waitress said, "Ooooh, is this a Mother's Day celebration?" We said "No..."  She said, "Well I'll wish you a Happy Mother's Day anyway."

Come on! I don't have kids. I must really give off the mom vibes.

No hard feelings, but, this day, it peeves me so.

Sleepless in Bowling Green

My best friend is leaving for Arizona in the morning for two years. I am home with the kids because my spouse can never give up his Friday night. I can't sleep because I'm angry about her going, angry I didn't get to say goodbye, angry that I'm angry and being a horrible non-supportive friend.

Peeves of Yore: Truth Serum Juice

Friday seems like it comes faster and faster lately. Look, I'm not complaining, it just makes me think about how freaking fast fall will, as TLC put it, "creep" up on us. I love fall clothes, they're my absolute favorite. But, after fall comes the dreaded winter. And unless you're a California Gurl like Peeved Michelle, living in Southern Cali, we all pretty much freeze to death. However, we're not there yet, and it's sunny and 80 where I'm at. Hell, I really should be on a patio somewhere sucking down some drinks. What was I thinking, joining the workforce?! 

I love 99.9% of the people that I work with. The people who I work with, and know about my contribution to The Peevery will know that I am not talking about them. Honestly, I really don't feel bad unloading about a certain colleague of mine. I am forced to put my ear buds in every time this person is in the office. This person is fairly new to the company, and came in like a tornado back in November. I really do like "go-getter's," and that's what I thought we were dealing with at first. As time went by I noticed that go-getter was definitely not the appropriate term to use. When I think of a "go-getter," I don't see someone who trots in at whatever time they want. I don't see constant excuses as to why something isn't done (something that should take one month, took six). I don't see, never being able to find the person - and even though we have multiple offices nobody seems to know where this person is. The biggest thing that I don't see, is someone who claims work to be their own, and they're actually copy/pasting from their old company and presenting it with such glory as their own. That one really gets to me. I call that a cheater, a thief, and a fraud. All these things aside, I just can't stand to hear this persons voice. Imagine very loud nails on a chalkboard, with pauses (filled with "ums") so it's this continuous start stop. Additionally, when this person drinks 16oz Red Bulls (every morning), they have an issue with head-shaking, eye-bulging, puckering/unpuckering of the mouth, and the inability to use a computer mouse properly. This person forgets that you don't need to lift up the mouse to make the cursor move, just slide that little thing around on the desk and you'll have a perfect working mouse/cursor. Look, you'd think it would be the worst in person. It's not. I had the lovely experience of video Skyping the other day. I couldn't do it. I actually had to shut the conversation down after one measly minute. It was giving me a headache. All of these things combined, this person will never win with me. What they will be, is roasted at every single opportunity possible. Mean? Maybe. But, whatever. If you want to play dirty, I'll call you dirty.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, let's get dirty and have some fun! So, what shall we dedicate this week's PoY to? Duh. The crazy people we work with, of course! 

 Blaugra, do you have interns too? Oh, you said co-workers. Eh, pretty much the same thing around these parts.

Hate to say it, Amy...The discussions about nourishment could go on for years. And no, I wouldn't be "mom" enough for this silliness.

Oh, Max, it's just the sign of our time. Hell, at least yours don't say, "fiddy." Yes, interns do say that. And, think it's like, totally cool!!!!

Trust me, Rachel, it is ALWAYS the ladies from Accounting. Go smell their breath and sweaters. I bet it smells like cake. You were totally supposed to get cake.

Joanne, you have interns, too? Just like Blaugra does! Wait, you said employees too, didn't you. Yeah, well, pretty much the same thing around these parts (deja vu, anyone?).

Well, I guess no matter where you work you'll find lovely little gems like these people, won't you? I'm happy i'm not a part of some exclusive club.

TGIF, sucka's. 

Only Marginally Better Than Rotten Eggs

I cannot figure out why the fingers on my left hand have smelled like fish for the last two days, despite the fact that I have not eaten seafood for a week nor touched anything else fishy smelling.

Commence rude jokes.

Tea Time

Is this a California thing?  Why do restaurants put fruit flavors in iced tea?  Isn't tea a flavor? If I wanted something with mango or passion fruit in it, I'd drink juice!  Stop trying to make it fancy.  It's iced tea.

IDK STFU

KTHNXBYE

<This is the only time you will see me use an excessive amount of "text language." I'd rather not waste any more breath on you. You shouldn't either, because you smell like an ashtray and processed cheese.>

 

Sunday Miscellany

• I like the Pop Chips, in all the flavors. Unfortunately, I can never eat them again. They are using Ashton Kutchner as a spokesman.
• There was a pickup at the park this morning with the following sticker on the window: Eating Fords, S****ing Chevy's. Well, okay then. QE MotherF______ D.
• On this week's postsecret.com: My biggest fear of becoming a lawyer is becoming a Republican. What the hell? That doesn't make any sense. Apparently this person's law school requires that students steer well the hell clear of rudimentary logic. If you said your biggest fear is becoming a republican and leave it at that, then that's a fine, if pointless, fear. However, what the hell does lawyering have to do with political party? This makes no sense at all. My biggest fear about you becoming a lawyer is that we might some day cross paths and I will have to unf*ck whatever it is you have done. Perhaps this person should refer to the same web site, a few post cards up, where a girl notes: Every time I use a port-a-potty I am afraid a fly will fly into my vagina. At least this girl is able to employ cause and effect to construct an irrational fear. I would much rather have her as my lawyer than the latent republican.

Peeves of Yore: Ran Out of Juice

TGIF, right? Seriously. Today could not have come sooner. It wasn't a bad week, I just really wanted it to end. As I hopped into my car this morning, I smiled at the thought that it would be my last time driving to work for a couple of days. It was sunny outside, I was jamming to some old school Dr. Dre, everything was going just fine and dandy. That's where it ended. 

My car ran out of gas. This is something I have never, ever experienced as long as I've been behind the wheel. It was warm outside, so I had the air conditioner on, but that did not stop my body temperature from shooting to an all time level of sweat. People were  behind me (I was in the right hand turn lane), and it was obvious they were less than impressed with me. In my defense, it was not I, who caused the lack of gas in my vehicle. I'm not going to name names, but technically, my record is still pristine - seeing how it wasn't me who caused this. Sadly, that did not matter. Did not matter one little bit to the pissed off commuters who were so freaking excited to get to work that they began honking at me. Seriously? I wish I were that excited to get to work everyday! Honking does not help people. Trust me. It only causes my blood to boil and my vocabulary to drastically increase. However, I did find myself getting more amused by the lack of patience and empathy as each person jerked their vehicle around me. They looked at me like I am this irresponsible person who shouldn't be on the road. The best were the old people, in their aircraft carrier Caddy DTS cars. Shit, half those clowns shouldn't even be on the road! Judging me? Seriously. Get a life. Suck it.

I thought really hard about what would make me laugh today. Personally, I don't care if you people think what I'm going to write about today is funny. As long as I get a kick out of it, and it makes me forget about the sweat stains I have under my arms from my public persecution this morning, I'm golden. Anyway, it didn't take me long to figure out what I would dedicate this week's PoY to. I always enjoy focusing in on one thing. Well, I have decided to focus in on one person today. <Drum Roll>

BLAUGRA! You're the winner. Bitch is hella funny...

Latina Zumba, my arse. Blaugra, next time that spicy little pepper instructor says something like that to you, I would like to offer this suggestion... Zumba this, tiny dancer!! I bet she can't do that version of Zumba, can she? Yeah, didn't think so. Only paste white people (and Asian tourists) can handle that shit.

Gun show, really? Blaugra, simply offer to show him your gun show. Put those guns up, give each of them a peck, and while he's mesmorized, simply snatch the remote out of his grasp. What's better, is you can do all of this while continuing to much and crunch away.

I see this quite often, actually. My response is usually one of the following:

"Oh, bummer. It turned out to be that kind of rash?"

"Dude, I told you, you're pregnant. Didn't I?"

"It's not that bad. You're just lactose intolerant. At least you figured out why your ass is blowing up all the time, right?"

There are a few others I pepper in there. Look if you're going to be vague about your shit on a SOCIAL website, you may as well un-friend me. I'll get the truth out of you some how. 

They all feel entitled, don't they? Well, I don't trust any of them. Not a single one. They're all laughing at us, because they know they can get away with this crap. Well, the next time it happens to me, I'm going to sit at the door, and wait for them to open it for me. Shit, they've been doing it longer than we have, right?

And, this is why I heart Blaugra. Only she would find this nasty little gem of a food....and come to the same sick thought I would. 

This is where we part, my friends. Have a lovely weekend, and if you see any old people looking at you funny, or trying to pull an "old person" excuse, look them square in the face and say, "No, No!" And then threaten involuntary commitment. 

Rhinovirus Can Suck it

There is never a good time to be hit with a nasty cold, admittedly. I can say without hesitation that a few days before my two-day board meeting, during the overworked few days when I am desperately trying to finalized slides and handouts in addition to actually attending to my children's school and medical needs, is an exceedingly bad time.

Also, this meeting is the one where I am supposed to have pictures taken to use in the slide show for my organization management program's graduation celebration. A red nose and bleary eyes are not the optimal optic for showcasing a professional designation.

Let's Review, Shall We?

Your backpack is YOURS. That is why it is on YOUR back.

Your backpack is YOURS. That means it is not MINE.

Your backpack is YOURS. That means it does not belong in (not on, in) MY back, especially on this crowded train.

Next: a lesson about how MY pointy shoe can relate to YOUR ankle.

What did you just say?

If you are in the restroom and you see a coworker come out of a stall, "Whatcha up to?" is an inappropriate greeting.

Bye Bye Birdie

The birds outside my window start chirping at 3 am. Usually I just close the window and turn on a fan. But, last night it was 90 degrees in my room, humid, and only got down to 68 outside. We needed the air. So, from 3-630 am constant, progressively louder chirping. Then suddenly stops at 630. I get up at 7. I really am not one to harm animals, but I like my sleep. This morning I was really wishing one of the boys had a BB gun. It's gonna be a long day.

How Not to Motivate Your Employees

My employer went from a bonus scheme to a profit share scheme last year. I have 1/64 of a share. Big money, folks! Senior management is always preaching about how we all benefit ourselves by cutting expenses, raising revenue and laying off people where necessary. Yesterday, I learned the mathematical formula for cost savings/profit to profit share bonus and discovered that for every £5000 I save the company, I personally see £0.45. Before taxes. Result: I don't give a damn about saving the company money.

Yes, I'm Hiding a Secret Option

At work I sent out a bunch of letters to people saying they can do either Option A or Option B. This does not mean there is super secret Option C I'm just choosing not to tell them about. There is no super secret Option C.  They can do Option A or Option B. I wish they would stop calling and asking me about Option C! If Option C were an Option I would have given it to them!

You Won't Grade Me, but I'm Going To Grade You

I have yet to evaluate any of my grad school professors. They've all been fine, until now. For one class we had to do three quizzes and five papers. The fifth and final paper is due tomorrow. As of today I have not yet received a grade on the FIRST paper I turned in. And, in the rubric for the final she states: "(This can be copied from your library profile as long as you take into account any comments or suggestions that have been made.)"  Since I don't have the goddamn paper back how can I take into account any comments or suggestions that have been made?! Oh and on paper two, three and four she has made absolutely no comments whatsoever. I guess I'm just that goddamn good.

Two things I can't stand. Actually, whenever it happens, I want to drop kick "these people" in the neck. 

Let's get one thing clear before I begin. My name is Juice. Period. Okay, let me lay this on you...

#1. There is absolutely no reason to EVER refer to me as 'Miss Juice'. I don't care how old you are. However, I find it insanely weird and creepy if you're an adult woman calling me, "Miss Juice." Oh, and if you follow it up with, "You're the bomb!," I sincerely feel a drop kick to the face and neck is warranted. 

#2. Please, I beg of you, do not have your kids refer to everyone you introduce them to as aunt or uncle so-and-so. I almost think this is more creepy than my preceding annoyance. Seriously, every single solitary person your kid meets, you have them say, 'Hi, Aunt Juice!' Ugh, I shudder every time I hear this. Ninja style drop kick to the face, neck, and belly.

 

Your Mother

Is there another "holiday" that is as emotionally loaded as Mother's Day?

I am a bad daughter and I missed the hints that my mom dropped about what she wants me to do for her on Mother's Day. My father had to prod me because my mother was complaining to him about my lack of attention and the fact that the Day is quickly approaching. This brings up all kinds of issues that I will discuss with my therapist.

Get Over It

The worst part of buying a new car -- OK, the second worst part because the worst part is the car payments -- is that I actually miss my old rusty clunker and all the good times we had together.

The coffee spill stains, the Pop-Tarts eaten on the way to work (half of which fell under the seat and never decomposed) the trips to sandy beaches, and all the little surprise sounds and flickering lights are now behind me. I'll mess up the new car soon enough but at the moment I'm feeling sentimental and way too attached to a big object.

Wax On, Wax Off

Shit you didn't need to know:  my left ear produces more earwax than my right ear. What the fuck is up with that? My Q-tip budget is out of control.

Peeves of Yore: Animal(s) (Crackers) with Juice

I have to be totally honest. There are very few people in this world that I actually like. I don't have time for crappy people, their drama, their ego, their feeling of entitlement, their "it's all about me," their constant state of chaos. It's bullshit, and it's a waste of my time. Looking back on the past year, I actually got a little ill because I think about all the freaking drama that has occurred in my life. What the hell happened? Where did it come from? Really pisses me off, you know? Why am I bringing this up, you ask? Because some dumb bitch has called me 3x today asking for Juice, and then laughing into the freaking phone. Really? Grow the eff up, people. Seriously. I mean, if you can't prank call the right way, just shut the hell up and don't do it at all.  

Now that I've gotten that out of the way... So, I'm a totally horrific parent. I realized this morning that it was Maggie's birthday on the 25th of April. Okay, I actually didn't remember, but it's really not all my fault either. Stupid Outlook forgot to remind me. I gave Outlook the finger today, and promptly put her birthday into my iPhone. So there. Oh! Some of you may not know who Maggie is! Well, let me tell you. Maggie is this little gem of a lady who loves to stretch in front of men, loves to paw men's crotch areas, loves to lightly feather your face in the morning, and is so adamant about keeping her pixie little figure that she is constantly binging and purging. Sounds sexy, doesn't she? Well, here she is...

Happy Belated Birthday, Maggie!

In honor of Maggie's birthday, I thought what would be better than to dedicate this weeks PoY to...animals! Those crazy little bastards bring such joy to our lives. I mean seriously...

My goodness, she's one cute little bastard.

Sure, sure, we all love our cats, dogs, bunnies, birds, etc. But, seriously speaking... Some dogs can be such dicks. Straight up wieners.

You know it could be worse, Amy. Sure, a tea bag is weird. Yes, a dead rodent is gross and disturbing. At least you didn't walk outside to see your neighbors cat "tea bagging" a dead rodent on your doorstep.

Poor, Erin. Now, that shit's just nasty. Actually, I do believe I read somewhere.... "He who blames the dog, is the one who made the frog." Tee hee.

Audition Jamie, your puppy officially wins the whatever non-award I am proclaiming for the day. Don't take this the wrong way, but your dog has to be the dumbest, yet most brilliant of them all. And by dumb, I mean adorable. I promise. Lick way, buddy. Lick away! 

Sorry, Amy. That one sounds like a total ho-bag. I bet she talks some nasty shit about you when you're not around. I'm all for dudes having cats while their single, but those bitches turn batshit crazy when another woman enters the picture. Look, I know you're married. But, you watch out. That crazybird cat will do her best to make you kick rocks. My sympathies. 

I would feel even lower as a cat mother if I didn't include my other one. So, here is a lovely picture of Maggie and her butch sister, Rook, enjoying some fresh air in the backyard. And yes, those are leashes. I've spent far too much money for those bitches to run away. Damn, look at their faces. Do you see the love between them? Yeah, me either. Happy Friday, people.

Gas Prices Are Too Cheap

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of complaining about gas prices in the USA. Someone please tell me that the average American is well informed about how deeply subsidized their gas is. Let me know when you're paying $8.50 a gallon (at the current exchange rate) and we'll talk. By the way, there is benefit in higher gas prices - auto manufacturers build more efficient cars and reduce oil dependency (even American makes e.g. Ford are much better in the UK than they are in America)!

Sucker!

At work today the power went out. My office is in the basement so it was pitch black. We sat in the atrium for about an hour and then the VP said power wouldn't be back until around 1 so we could go for a long lunch. So we did. Then we came back and still no power and the update was it wouldn't come back on until between 1 & 5 so the VP said we could leave. We were working on leaving when the lights came back on. My boss said "Just go."  So we were, but not all my coworkers had left yet. I was in my car and driving when I wondered if my coworkers actually ended up leaving. I called. They hadn't left. So I went back.

Ow.

This just happened and is making my head explode:

I called my (annoying, young, annoying) new personal trainer to schedule our next appointment. A few minutes later, I got a text from her, with no introduction, nothing, asking "What time did you have in mind?"

I responded to her text, and got one back saying she had a client at the day/time I proposed, did I have another day/time in mind?

I gave her "330 or 4 on Tues, or 430 on Weds." She came back with "I can't do 4 on Tues."

Um. What about the other two options I gave you? What about picking up the phone? What about making this easy for me to pay you money to torture me?

Who Needs Side Mirrors?

I live in the English countryside. With the exception of well-traveled roads, most roads have no markings and are barely the width of two cars, yet still have a speed limit of 60 mph. Usually, the result of this is a oncoming Range Rover barrelling down on me and my car greeting the ditch to avoid a collision.