TGIF, right? Seriously. Today could not have come sooner. It wasn't a bad week, I just really wanted it to end. As I hopped into my car this morning, I smiled at the thought that it would be my last time driving to work for a couple of days. It was sunny outside, I was jamming to some old school Dr. Dre, everything was going just fine and dandy. That's where it ended.
My car ran out of gas. This is something I have never, ever experienced as long as I've been behind the wheel. It was warm outside, so I had the air conditioner on, but that did not stop my body temperature from shooting to an all time level of sweat. People were behind me (I was in the right hand turn lane), and it was obvious they were less than impressed with me. In my defense, it was not I, who caused the lack of gas in my vehicle. I'm not going to name names, but technically, my record is still pristine - seeing how it wasn't me who caused this. Sadly, that did not matter. Did not matter one little bit to the pissed off commuters who were so freaking excited to get to work that they began honking at me. Seriously? I wish I were that excited to get to work everyday! Honking does not help people. Trust me. It only causes my blood to boil and my vocabulary to drastically increase. However, I did find myself getting more amused by the lack of patience and empathy as each person jerked their vehicle around me. They looked at me like I am this irresponsible person who shouldn't be on the road. The best were the old people, in their aircraft carrier Caddy DTS cars. Shit, half those clowns shouldn't even be on the road! Judging me? Seriously. Get a life. Suck it.
I thought really hard about what would make me laugh today. Personally, I don't care if you people think what I'm going to write about today is funny. As long as I get a kick out of it, and it makes me forget about the sweat stains I have under my arms from my public persecution this morning, I'm golden. Anyway, it didn't take me long to figure out what I would dedicate this week's PoY to. I always enjoy focusing in on one thing. Well, I have decided to focus in on one person today. <Drum Roll>
BLAUGRA! You're the winner. Bitch is hella funny...
Latina Zumba, my arse. Blaugra, next time that spicy little pepper instructor says something like that to you, I would like to offer this suggestion... Zumba this, tiny dancer!! I bet she can't do that version of Zumba, can she? Yeah, didn't think so. Only paste white people (and Asian tourists) can handle that shit.
Gun show, really? Blaugra, simply offer to show him your gun show. Put those guns up, give each of them a peck, and while he's mesmorized, simply snatch the remote out of his grasp. What's better, is you can do all of this while continuing to much and crunch away.
I see this quite often, actually. My response is usually one of the following:
"Oh, bummer. It turned out to be that kind of rash?"
"Dude, I told you, you're pregnant. Didn't I?"
"It's not that bad. You're just lactose intolerant. At least you figured out why your ass is blowing up all the time, right?"
There are a few others I pepper in there. Look if you're going to be vague about your shit on a SOCIAL website, you may as well un-friend me. I'll get the truth out of you some how.
They all feel entitled, don't they? Well, I don't trust any of them. Not a single one. They're all laughing at us, because they know they can get away with this crap. Well, the next time it happens to me, I'm going to sit at the door, and wait for them to open it for me. Shit, they've been doing it longer than we have, right?
And, this is why I heart Blaugra. Only she would find this nasty little gem of a food....and come to the same sick thought I would.
This is where we part, my friends. Have a lovely weekend, and if you see any old people looking at you funny, or trying to pull an "old person" excuse, look them square in the face and say, "No, No!" And then threaten involuntary commitment.
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