Phasing Out a Friend

Potatoes asks:

I have a classmate who is relatively close to me but I hate being around her because she's slow, and always late, and always asks me to do errands for her. I don't want to wait around anymore and waste my personal time and miss out on a lot of things I could be doing instead of waiting for her outside the loo. Should I just stop being her friend?

If you are like most people, you will find it difficult to stop being someone's friend. I have found that it is easier to phase someone out over time and that the best tool for the job is lying. I am a big proponent of lying when it will save someone embarrassment, including saving yourself from embarrassment. For instance, "Oh, I just had a little head cold. I'm better now, thanks," is a better answer than, "Yeah, I called in sick because I had the squirts and my ass was pretty raw from all the wiping."

In your case, I think it should be pretty easy to phase your friend out, if not completely, then at least far enough to allow you the freedom to do other things. Here are some scenarios that I hope will help you out.

Scenario 1
You two are leaving the dorm to go to class and she says, "Oh, wait, I just need to print this out and go to the bathroom first." Instead of standing around waiting for her and getting pissed off because she is taking her time and making you late, try saying something like, "You know what, I need to run by the post office (bookstore, coffee cart, health clinic, drug dealer) anyway. I'll just see you in class."

Scenario 2
She finds out you are going to the grocery store and asks you to pick up a few things for her or do something else for her while you are out. You respond, "I'm sorry, I can't. I am just going to be in and out of the store because I am going on the way to the dentist," or, "I'm sorry, I can't. I have about a hundred things I have to do today and I just won't have time."

Scenario 3
You have been a good little non-friend and remained friendly with her when you speak but you have been avoiding her calls by using caller ID against her. You have been non-commital when it comes to making plans. You have been rushing off here and there after class instead of accompanying her to the restroom. Now, she is calling you on it. She wonders if you are mad at her and why you have been avoiding her. You respond, "Oh my god, no! Of course I am not mad at you. I have just been so busy lately I barely have time to think. I am on my way to lunch right now. Why don't you join me? I only have half an hour, though, because I have to be somewhere right after."

You are going to have to suck it up and continue to do things with her occasionally until she gets sick of your unavailability and leeches onto someone else.

Good luck!

Comments

[jo]

Having phased out a friend I can say that scenario 3 works quite well. I can also say that if your friend is as self absorbed as she sounds (which mine was) it is so much easier! They don't really notice until they are almost phased out altogether.