The Peevery

Stop the Stampede

I get tired of feeling like a herd of rhinoceros is stampeding across my uterus.

Not bluffin' with my muffin

These English muffins are "fork split" which means you should be able to pull them apart without crumbling them in your hands, right?

Or, almost as bad, one half is really thick and the other really thin so you get one burnt piece and one mushy piece after toasting.

Old Blighty's A Bit Thirsty

We are supposedly still in a terrible drought which might even last until Christmas. It's been raining heavily almost continuously for the past 10 days and we're getting a month's worth of rain in the next 72 hours. Apparently, it's the "wrong kind of rain" to solve the so-called drought. The conspiracy theorist in me proposes that this is a set-up by water companies to increase water rates. I guess I should get a reservoir to collect gutter-water to bathe in.

I Can't Pay for That

I very rarely use PayPal. Each of my three regular email accounts has a PayPal account attached to it. I can't use any of them because they are all locked since I so rarely use PayPal I've forgotten the passwords. I can't retreive the passwords because I no longer have the original credit card attached to the PayPal account so that I can log in and change the passwords and the credit card attached to the PayPal account. I kind of hate PayPal and a company is about to lose my business because that's the only way to pay them.

Another thing my Mom didn't tell me.

I am going on day 18 of a gel  manicure...no chips, no cracks...looks like I just came from the salon except that my nails grow like weeds and it's pretty obvious I need to remove this polish.  Trouble is, I didn't research this gel shit and it seems that it will take a small construction crew to remove it.  To top it off, I will probably have damage to my nails when it's all said and done. Consider yourselves forewarned and shame on you if you knew and didn't tell me. (sorry for the blur.)

Shaving Review

Recently I have been trying brush shaving with soap and a bowl and all of that.  There are blogs and message boards and You Tubes of all the shaving nerds who really dig that stuff.  IT looks like it might give you a great close shave.  I watched a video on You Tube about how to lather up and shave with soap and a brush.  Here's what I learned.

A close brush shave requires four things:

• Good brush
• Good blade
• Good soap
• Good water

I have none of these.  I have a Bic I have been using for a week, brush and soap from the local drug store, and hard water from the city. 

I have tried this approach for almost a week and it seems an elaborate production for an activity that used to take about two minutes. I am not surprised that this type of shaving seems to be what the locals refer to as "a pain in the ass".

Mean People Suck

What is with all the sucky people I've run into lately? I'm amazed at how some grown adults handle themselves and think they can get away with it.

I just have to remember that I am FABULOUS and that any ill will towards me is simply jealousy is disguise.

Worth A Thousand

Just saw pictures of myself taken this week.

Immediately resolved to wire my jaws shut for three months, or to use the Dust-Buster to give myself emergency liposuction.

I look utterly harpoon-worthy.

Wrong Number

My company has an 877 phone number for conference calls. You dial that 10-digit number (that never changes), and then you dial your specific conference code at the prompt. It's been this way for years.

And yet, when people mistype the 10-digit 877 phone number in the meeting notice, people still dial the wrong number and then miss the meeting. This is happening ALL the time. I find it quite ridiculous.

My grief is fruitier than your grief

My sister and I work for the same company, but in different divisions and different levels of administrative support competency. I got a condolence fruit basket from the company today for my grandmother's passing; she got bupkus. Now I feel like a jackass for getting more attention and support than she has gotten, especially since she has way more tenure.

Peeves of Yore: Short (glass of) & Sweet Juice

It's Friday. Duh. I'm sure you're all super excited about my Peeves of Yore, right? Well, then, let's get right into it. Rather than dilly-dallying around like I usually do. Short, sweet, to the point.

Just a guess, but I'm betting Joanne was never a big fan of those fun little things we used to call 'chain letters,' either? Shit, neither was I. I'm in total agreement with you on this one. I hate that shit. Effing pastafarians.

My personal favorite, Blaugra, is "robust." What the shit is that? Seriously. Heard at a meeting the other day: "I think the site is very user-friendly, but it definitely needs to be more robust." I hear that word and think, "wine time!" Then I get pissed because it's 9am, and I'm stuck at work. 

Simple solution, Kayteadee... Delete. If they ask if you got it done, simply tell them you didn't know it was directed toward you. You didn't see your name on the email. Works like a charm. 

Oh, nooo she di-in't. I'll shank the bitch. No, really Jen14221, I'll shank that bitch if I ever see her ugly face. I hope she read this, and gets scared. I know I would.

"What the motherfucking fuck is it about?" -Peeved Michelle I like her quote. That is all.

Happy Friday. That is all.

Sinners

Deasr JesusFish drivers,

Since sodomy is a "sin" get off my fucking ass!

Thank you,

Atheist driver who doesn't broadcast it on the back of her car

Peeves of Yore: Juice Spit Up

Hey. It's Friday. Let me tell you something - it's been one long damn week. Look, I know I have it pretty darn good as far as work goes. However, everyone has "one of those weeks," right? It was my turn this week. Yeah, I know many of you are saying, "Juice, quit your bitchin'!" Fine. Whatever. I just wanted to forewarn you that my PoY may take on a different tone. Hell, who else can I take my aggression out on? Well, why not the people us Peevers peeve about? Shit, their silliness lands them on this site, doesn't it? Hey, think of it as an honor. You get mentioned in my special weekly rant...

Dear people who I am going to peeve about this week,

You're stupid.

Love,

Juice 

Pretty sure it goes with out saying that this weeks PoY will be dedicated to those stupid, idiot, moronic, brainless, dim-witted, clueless soles who make me laugh my shit off every week! Cheers to you! 

MsChick74, may I suggest this, the next time you encounter the fool who thinks it's okay to disrupt your afternoon soaps, divorce court, Jerry Springer, or even Nancy Grace screaming her tata's off. Douche.

Well, hells bells, kayteadee! What a perfect time for an encore presentation of this... If this doesn't shut their traps, they simply need to be punched in the face and laughed at until they cry.

You know what, blaugra? The same thing happened to me. Two words: Cell. Phone. (Or is that one? Whatever.) This bizzatch was on her effing cell phone. Apparently, multi-tasking isn't one of her strong points. The joke was on her, though. I was in the middle of "trading out the old for the new" during my arts and crafts week at panty camp. Oops!

Really, it's quite simple Amy! See... Two things will be solved: #1. She'll never forget your name #2. Chances are, you may not see her at another party. Ever. Okay, maybe not. But, it would be funny as hell. Seriously.

Since I'm feeling much better after making fun of silly people... I thought I'd put a little icing on the cake, and bring you another addition of.... Can You Hear Me Now? Things Juice hears while out and about. Yay!

Overheard while picking up some band-aids at Walgreen's: "Just put cream on it. No, seriously. Just put cream on a Qtip, stick it up there, and wiggle it around."

Witnessed conversation at a relatively nice upscale restaurant: "Hey, knock it off. Otherwise you'll be eating out of the trash can like the dogs in Lady and the Tramp."

Overheard this at the mall: "Shit. Where the hell is my pony tail?" <Shuffling through her purse>

Picking up my prescription at the pharmacy: "Look, I keep scrubbing, but the smell just won't go away!"

Two women at lunch next to me: "Laura, I keep finding socks in his room that are crunchy on the toe/foot part. Do I need to get him something for his shoes?" "No, I don't. You need to get him a girlfriend or something, honey."

Happy Freaking Friday, everyone. I'm out. 

 

 

That's what makes it viscious. And a circle.

Some studies also indicate that needlework lowers blood pressure and relieves stress for many people; I am among that group of people. What sucks is that all the things that are stressing me out (grandma in hospice, problems at the kids' schools, impending work pressures), the things that give me a reason to need to take time to relax and knit, are the same things that eat into my knitting time. So I get stressed and my blood pressure goes up because I can't do the enjoyable activities that de-stress and relax me. And then I need to do something to relax...

Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Furry

The cat from across the street put a present on my front doormat: a used tea bag.

At least this gift was dead before he brought it over.

Uncivil Discourse

My mom invited me to attend a dinner lecture about the Civil War. My response was "Ummm...I don't think so, but thanks." 

She forgot my answer and proceeded to obtain a ticket for me and guilted me into accompanying her.

Now I'll have to socialize with history buffs and act all interested. There will probably be some re-enactors there, too. Not my scene, dude.

Knee Jerk

One of the benefits of losing weight is to put less stress on the knees. In working toward losing the weight, however, my knees are getting all jacked up. Maybe I'm being too dramatic (me? noooooo!) but, dammit, my knees hurt. One person tells me it's the way I sit, another tells me it's my sneakers (or whatever you call athletic shoes in your neck of the woods,) another tells me it's my workout choices.

So how is this story going to end?

Doh!

I love The Simpsons. I decided to remain in the dark when I heard that Matt Greoning revealed which actual Springfield the show considers home for Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie. Except that the jerkasses on NPR just blurted it out on the radio this morning while I was driving to work. Goddamnit.

Antisocial?

I have been told I am not very nice in the mornings. Yesterday I heard a song lyric that sums up exactly how I feel about them. "I'm not anti-social, I'm just anti-you".

Low Grade Crankyness

My lower back is aching- enough to be uncomfortable but not enough to really send me to the doctor to discuss.

No Thanks

What ever happened to the "thank you" wave you get from another motorist when you let them pass, turn, or cut in? Does common courtesy not exist anymore? It makes me not want to be nice to anyone. Ever.

New Sobriety Test

I drank a little too much on Saturday. This is a rare occurrence for me, so like any good social media person, I tweeted that I was "Drunk."

A follower of mine, a man I've never met, responded with "nope. You can still spell."

I responded to him that I could also still punctuate, but yes, drunk was my state of being.

He responded to that with "if you can still spell, then you aren't that drunk."

So apparently after downing 4 shots and 5 beers in 3 hours, I could have driven home because I wasn't "that drunk." I can't help it if I have excellent hand-eye coordination.

Try it again. I dare you.

I'm pretty confident that if one can provide someone with facts, figures, statistics, and explanations (in 2nd grade language) of said facts, figures, statistics, the person on the receiving end would be able to accept part, if not all, of what I'm showing them? Excuse the run-on sentence.

Apparently, 2nd grade language coupled with colorful pie charts, bar chats, and flow charts are still too much above you, and your understanding. The only other option is that you are just an arrogant pos, who refuses to accept that I am much smarter than you are. 

Hey, get off that damn high horse and hop onto the mini-pony over there in the kiddie play pen. I just schooled your ass.

Karla Kuts Korners

I got a referral this weekend to a new hairdresser, Karla. I was given her cell # since she apparently checks that more than the office phone. We're already off to a good start, yes?

After a few rings, the voicemail kicked in and this is what I heard: "Please send me a text message, since I don't always check this." Significant background noise was heard before the recording stops. 

I hung up with the intent of texting a little later. I was on a work call when my other line beeped; the hair stylist was calling me back - but didn't leave a message.

I get this is a smaller town and that Karla doesn't work for a company and is her own boss, but is it too much to expect some professionalism from someone running a business? I can't help thinking that if this is how she handles phone calls, how well does she handle scissors?

Peeves of Yore: This Juice is for you, Erin!

What's crappening, homies? So, I've been trying to get to my PoY all damn day, but I've been too busy up until this moment in the day. Probably a good thing for you! I'm armed and ready with a glass of wine. Usually, I do this stone cold sober. Never would have guessed that, would you? I had the day off today (yes, I was still too busy to get to this sooner...sorry). My office is actually pretty cool, they're down with Jesus. I grew up pretty religious (and remain that way today), and it's Good Friday. I do feel slightly guilty for being over the moon happy that I got the day off to do nothing. I had every intention of going to Church this afternoon, but it just didn't happen. Wow, as I type that, I do feel pretty shitty. Next year. I promise. Instead, I felt like John Travolta in Back Draft, putting out freaking fires all day. Sober. Really? I should have been on a patio somewhere, living it up, and slopping down a margarita. Next year. I promise.

Hey, guess what? I got to have lunch with some of my fans today. Yep, actual fans! Who would've thought, right? I had never, ever met them. Didn't know who they were. It was like a blind date. They sent me a nice little email asking if it would be possible to get my autograph sent to them via the United State Postal Service. You know what my response was? "Well, hell! I'll do you one better. Why don't we meet, eat some yummy grub, and you pick up the bill?" Oh, my goodness....FREE LUNCH! It totally worked. Slight exaggeration, folks. Sorry. While it may have not been that glamorous, it sure feels pretty sweet to have people read my shit. Shout out to my fans! 

So, this week's PoY will dedicated to someone. It only seems fair and right to have it center around this one single solitary person. This person can make you laugh so hard you shit your pants. This person can make you laugh so hard, you cry. This person, who I've never met in person, is someone who could probably drink my arse under the table. This person has the honor of being the wife and best friend of someone who serves our country proud. Erin........THIS PEEVE'S FOR YOU!

Gaaawwwwddd, this is the BEST way to remove yourself from any type of PTA, PTO, etc. Eureka! I've got a way to remove yourself from this situation in the future. Seriously, when the mom shows back up, I'd totally run outside with curlers and a box of wine, begging "mom of the year" to have her rug rat sleep over. Problem solved. Forever!

Seriously, don't let her fool you. She really wanted to grab, squeeze, lovingly embrace...and even do a very quick and subtle lick. Wait, isn't that what all people want to do? She's totally in the minority, right? Yes? Oh, wait.....

Well, thank goodness for early spring where I live! If that "shit" happened here, I would definitely not be worrying about them picking up their shit. Fertilizer, as my dad calls it. But, let's be honest. I'd totally call the association/city and report that "shit." Why? Because, I'm totally going to be that crotchety old lady who sits and watches everything and everyone. Practice makes perfect! Also, something my dad says.

Let's get back to #1. Seriously, that's just creepy and weird. That commercial is totally something my interns would come up with. Hey! Toilet paper!....Jealousy!....Ass Rash!....Binoculars! Yep, fits the bill perfectly. I wouldn't doubt that one of my little babies was on that successful team. Pervs. Horned up pervs. Now, they're getting paid for it. Mama is proud.

AMEN, Sista. A-EFFIN-MEN. I do not have a child, so I don't know from experience. HOWEVER, I have friends that have to deal with that every weekend, and just hearing about it makes me want to pound something (tee hee). 

So, as I conclude this weeks PoY, I feel sad. Erin has made me laugh so hard, I've pooped my pants. At work. Okay, not really. But, pretty darn close. She will be missed, and most certainly welcomed back. Look, it's only appropriate for us to bid her a fond farewell in the most respectful way...........

Okay, maybe this one. "Even though you're gone, you're still a ten" 

Erin, we SALUTE YOU!

Okay, since it's Friday, I'll throw one more in there.... 

Happy Freaking Friday. We'll miss you, Erin.

 

 

War in Virginia. Not in 1861, either.

I just started arts and crafts week at panty camp. Lovely. It's out of my control. Out. Of. My. Control.

Open The Book, Please.

Assume. Presume. Speculate. Infer. Posit. Postulate. Suspect. Ascertain. Conclude. 

Hey, I've got an idea. Why not, ASK. 

Wino Forever

I went to Trader Joe's and bought a case of Tejava iced tea, to which I am ADDICTED. I thought the total seemed unusually high, but got distracted and forgot about it. I got home, lugged this heavy case and my groceries upstairs and found the receipt. They had charged me for a case of wine. Luckily, I didn't have to take the entire case back in order to get the difference refunded, just my receipt.

Keep Your Promises

I was talking with my apartment manager over the weekend and we got on the subject of cats. I mentioned that my cat is very territorial and hisses at any cat that comes near our apartment, including at the one that tried to follow me up the stairs. She said the reason that cat is friendlier than most of the feral apartment complex cats is because that cat belongs to a soldier who has been deployed. His relative, who lived in the complex, just let them out (there were two apparently) and then abandoned them. The complex adopted one of them out to another family (they couldn't really do anything about the soldier thing since they don't know that person and we do have a terrible problem with feral cats who multiply like rabbits). The more I think about it the more pissed off I get at the relative and feel badly for the poor guy who is going to come home to find his pets gone.  

Trip Hazard

I really like the black pants I'm wearing for work. They are super comfortable. They are also super dangerous apparently. They have a wide cuff at the bottom that is only anchored by two little stitches on each side of the pantleg. I've hooked the heel of my shoe into a cuff twice so far today, the second time sent me stumbling into a file cabinet. Apparently when I get home tonight I will have to do a little application of liquid stitch to ensure I don't break my fool neck.

RIP Erin

Fine, she's not dead, but she has left the Peevery. Should Erin resurrect herself in the future, she is more than welcome to drag her reanimated corpse back into our ranks.

So, what do you think? Time to add a new Peever or two?

I need a bra whisperer.

Someone please tell me why my black bras turn white in the armpit area and my light colored bras turn black in the armpit area.

You Started It

I received an IM today from a coworker. It made no sense to me at all; there was no context I could figure out. It was like she started the conversation in the middle.

So I replied with "...for what?" She then helpfully (ha!) provided part of her initial IM back to me.

I came back with "I don't know what this is in reference to."

She then gave me a paragraph of details that explained her IM, but not why she was involving me.

"This is Kate the Peon. Are these IMs meant for me?"

She replied, "No, they're for Kelly the Peon. I have too many people IM'ng me today."

Facepalm.

Take me out to the ballgame...sporadically

I'm happy my son is athletic and plays sports, but 5 1/2 hours at 2 baseball games today makes me want to pound a lot of beer.

The Magic Words

You don't have to coddle me, but using 'Please' and 'Thank You' will go a loooong way in helping me help you.

 

What's in a Name?

Apparently the big thing these days is "slub" fabric.  I see this term in lots of catalogues and on displays in shops such as Target and J. Crew.  Slub crewnecks, slub henleys, slub t-shirts.  Sheesh.

I have no idea what slub fabric is but it sounds creepy to me and sure doesn't seem like something I would want to put on my body.  

 

Music Soothes The Savage Beast?

Maybe I need to cut back on the caffeine, but the Tranquility music channel on DirecTV is really annoying. It's like listening to toddlers whine set to a soothing piano accompaniment.

Sheet Envy

I have a queen-sized bed, so I buy queen-sized sheets. Yet, these sheets have about three extra feet in length. Why, pray tell?

Peeves of Yore: You could could buy a lot of Juice with that

Yo, yo, yo... What's up homies? Did you miss me? I wish I could say I was gone on an African Safari, deep sea fishing with Sir Richard Branson, or rollin' with my homies in Compton. But, I can't. Just plain busy. But, alas! I am back. I'm back in black. I'm back with a vengeance. I'm so back, all you can see is my back. Overkill? Sorry.

So, what's been crappening up in 'her? Let's do a little digging, and we'll find out, won't we? Well, for those of you who don't know - which is all of you (unless you're buddies with me on FB, and you actually read my shit), I have very close ties to this lottery hub-bub. Jealous? Yeah, don't be. I can't play. Well, I guess I could, but if I won, my darling wing-man would come under a lot of fire. My wing-man built the shit the lottery runs on. Look, I'm no computer whiz. I really only care about The Google, The Twitter,The Facebook, and duh, The Peevery. Therefore, all I know is that our date tonight will be sitting in his office watching millions of people continuously click REFRESH! REFRESH! on their computers, all while they sweat big drops of greed down their face hoping that they are the 1:176,000,000,000 to win. Sounds sexy, doesn't it? Actually, it is. I got to do this on Tuesday with him too, and I knew before all 'yall that not one poor bastard won. Tee hee hee. 

Since we are going to be "celebrating" the largest jackpot of greediness this evening, I do believe it's only appropriate to dedicate this weeks PoY to the Biggest Peeve Ever! Go big, or go home, right?

 Personally, Jen14221, I think you should just invest in a  Bidet. That way, instead of flushing it down the crapper, you can just wash and clean the mess off your no-no area, and you'll be good as new! Additionally, according to Wikipedia: "...one rides a Bidet like one would ride a pony." Seriously, how cool is that!

"Hey, Whole Foods! Suck It!"

Love, Peeved Michelle.

P.S. 99% of the people who walk out of your store smell of body odor and patchuli oil (gross).

Love, Juice.

Blaugra, I'm guessing you were feeling much like Jen14221 was. My suggestion? Buy a Bidet, and wipe spray the slate clean, and start all over!

I feel your pain, Michael. It's SANDWICH! Not SAMITCH, darling.

Ew! Hazel, are those pubes? Really, there's nothing else so say here other than you have officially won biggest peeve ever award. 

Now that we've all probably thrown up in our mouths, after looking at Hazel's peeve... We can go back to our silly lives and enjoy the mother-effing weekend! Out.

CAO- Chief Annoyance Officer

The same corporate officer who approved this project without it needing to go through the full executive team review as normal (since we are on a tight timeline and cannot wait for the next executive team meeting) is the one who is holding up the schedule. He submitted edits on the "almost final" version instead of giving his comments during the review period a month ago, and now is the only one who has not responded with a final go-ahead on the most current version (in fact he hasn't even opened the email I sent 4 hours ago). I need to send the final to programming by...um...close of business yesterday in order to keep to the established timeline. I'm already on the hook for doing the next steps of the project while I am home with my kids for spring break, so I'm not all that sympathetic about him having to respond to me while he is out of the office today, especially since his assistant swore to me that he's checking emails while he is out.

Grammar Moses

It "piqued" your interest, stupid blogger. Not "peaked" or "peeked" your interest. And if someone is cheating on you, they are "philandering," not "flandering." 

Luckily, these piddly errors irritated me so badly that I had no energy left to pick on the actual content of your blog entry. You will live to post another day.

Broken

On the very morning that I was going back to work after a 17 day absence, the wireless died on me (I work from home). I spent hours, literally, trying to fix it, including putting our old router (replaced b/c it kept dropping the wireless signal, ironically) back up. Nothing worked for wireless but I could get a wired signal.

And since we only have short ethernet cords in the house (but way more of them than we need), I have been working from the FLOOR all week. Monday was in the laundry room, using an upside-down laundry basket for a table.

Yesterday and today are from the living room floor, which is as much an upgrade as it sounds. I bought a connector to connect two short ethernet cords and at least get me into the recliner, but that failed. I am going to be forced to leave the house, buy ANOTHER ethernet cord (but a long one this time), so that I can get off the floor.

So in three days I've managed to break the wireless, my back, and my ass. Welcome home, indeed!

Remember When...

I was passively aggressively annoyed by a friend who hasn't commented on two different significant recent life events that I have talked about on Facebook? I've now talked about a third. Still no word (not even a "like" dammit!). I continue to be passive aggressively peeved.

No Slip My Ass

I have a cute pair of flats that I usually wear with socks. Now that it is hot, I wore them once barefoot. This was a huge mistake and I still have the blisters on my heels to prove it. Over the weekend I bought those little footie sock things that are supposed to just protect the feet part but not show. They both show completely and despite the little tag that says "non slip heels" completely slip down my heel and form a mound in the bottom of my shoe. So much for that plan.

Reach Around

I hate when people tell me they are "reaching out" to me.

Example:

Dear Blaugra,

I'm reaching out to remind you and your colleagues about the upcoming Performance Measures workshop.

YUCK. Not to mention the workshop sounds like a total snoozefest.

I'm a loser, baby.

I'm totally addicted to Coin Dozer, the stupidest app ever.

Peeves of Yore: Weather Edition

Since I'm filling in for Juice this week, I decided to pick the category of Weather/Seasons/Nature since it seems like Spring has come early for a lot of us. Here in southeast Georgia, we've had more than nine consecutive days of 80+ degree weather. Sure, it's nice, but the pollen is a bitch. It is nice to see the trees with leaves on them again though. That said, Happy Spring!

Juice wanted to know why Bella Swan had to tell a joke just to get some candy.

Kayteadee was going to wear cute Fall clothes whether you liked it or not. So suck it.

I'm not sure what kind of weather Blaugra was having that day. Can you figure it out?

Jen14221 was wrong. The snow really did fuck everything up.

Mother Nature did not get the memo about Spring's arrival, leading Kate the Peon to wonder where the love was.

You First

Sight from bus before rounding corner: bus shelter poster proclaiming "We're in a drought. We can't make it rain, but we can all use less water. PLEASE START NOW."

Sight from bus after rounding corner: team of municipal workers "scraping" individual pieces of gum from the sidewalk with pressure washers.

Grad Students Don't Count?

I will be getting my Master's Degree in May. I am contemplating walking.  However I looked at the academic calendar and discovered that while one group of undergrads graduates at 7 PM on Friday and about four groups at various times on Saturday, grad students graduate at 3 PM on Friday. Aren't grad students the group most likely to have a full time job and quite probably kids who will probably be in school until 2 or 3 on a Friday in May? Couldn't we have Sunday afternoon or something?

Invisible Woman

Silly me! I must have accidentally driven my invisible car today. Everyone seems to be cutting me off or turning on front of me as if I am non-existent.